It was as if the words hung in the air. The song played on, but the line sat there in front of me. As though written on the windshield I had to look through the words to see the truth of my life…past and present.
As a birthmother I have heard a lot about how noble my sacfrice was. What a gift I’ve given the girls and their families. And I have wanted to believe that, but it felt like there should be more to it. That moments wrapped up in pain, joy, the scent of a baby and a tidal wave of hormones have to be for something more than praise from strangers, an empty belly and movie-of-the-week memories. But what?
I have grappled with that question for over a decade. With every picture, letter, and phone call I have known there is something deeper to this birthmother thing then grief and longing.
And then there it was. A random afternoon. A random song on the radio. And God’s truth meets me face-to-face in the fast lane and changes my life forever.
I’m not one to say God spoke to me. I’ve never heard His voice, but I’ve felt His presence. I know His hand in my life. And I know when my heart meets Truth. And in those moments I know what God is saying. Louder than the voices in my head and heart I can hear Him.
For weeks I have been in love with this song. It seems to minister to me in the midst of difficult moments and in the everydayness of life. Play the video. Listen. Close your eyes. Let the beautiful music and soothing truth wash over you in whatever your circumstance is….let’s worship together for a moment and then I’ll tell you how this song changed my perspective on my life
“Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things.”
Becoming a birthmother wasn’t (just) about giving my girls all they needed and deserved that I didn’t have. God worked that plan for me too. He loves me way too much to give me lesser things. He knew that every step I took in healing and growth as a birthmother would bring me closer to Him. That in comforting others, sharing my story, loving my girls, grieving our lost moments, praying, laughing, doting on my babies I got to parent, and the million other things I do as a woman who gave up her children would make me a bit more like His Son. That I would draw closer to Him.
And God’s best is what it is all about.
If you have read any of my other adoption posts, you’ll know that I don’t like to open the “what if” door to my past. And often when I do I want to write. I want to reach out. I want something to feel real and concrete and whole for just a breath or two. And yet, tonight as I write I don’t want to open a door to past that never was. I want to look back and remember those moments. Those are my moments.
Before time began God knew the tears of a young woman in a dim and silent hospital room. He knew that my tears would wet the pink cheeks of my daughter. Think of that…He knew my tears. He knew my pain. He knew that His hand would be the only thing that would save me from myself that night and many nights after that as I began to wish for death and live recklessly.
He knew my tears were not in vain. That my suffering was not pointless. That my breaking heart He would bind. He knew that His love was…and is…greater than my pain.
That is the truth that met me in the fast lane this week. That God didn’t use my decisions and circumstances to only bless others…in fact, perhaps I received the greatest of the blessings in the adoption process. I grew a little more like my Savior…
Father, sometimes it is so difficult to feel the blessings in the midst of the storms. I am grateful that You never give up teaching me, showing me, helping me to redeem my past and see it in Your light. Thank you for loving me enough to make me a birthmother. Thank you for memories of infant girls, and for memories yet made with young women. Help us all to find you in the fast lane of life, Father. Change our view — past and present. Help us become more like your precious Son. Amen.